Sleep

I have lost the ability to sleep. Joe is sick again and I can't sleep. His surgery went well, they removed 4 liters of fluid out of his belly and he can breath. They re-positioned the port so he can get belly chemo again. So what is my problem? I think it is the "again". I thought he was healed. We have had a wonderful year of only traveling to NY every three months to be told to go home for 3 more months. Joe was strong or at least he was up until July. Then very rapidly he started going down hill. At first I just noticed he was sleeping more...then the naps became more frequent. Then he started losing stamina in everyday activities like climbing the stairs. Then the belly kept looking bigger. But when we went back to NY and they took the scans we were told things still looked good. So why the decline??? What they didn't tell us, or maybe they did in the beginning and we forgot, was that this disease can hide. It can be back without showing up on any scans at all.  So here we go....the roller coaster has pulled into the boarding dock and we just climbed on....again.
We will be back on a chemo regimen in a couple of weeks. Hoping and praying to beat the monster back into submission one more time. The difference is that this time, upon Joe's request, the Dr clearly laid out what the end stages of this disease looks like. This time they told us that Joe should not put off doing the things he really wants to do. This time they reassured Joe that they would not let him suffer and that they can and will make him comfortable. What they heck??? Or if I were honest and young I would be saying WTF??? And so I have lost the ability to sleep.